BILLY CONNOLLY’S CHAIN LETTER
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Finally - a decent chain letter!
>>>
>>> Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50
>>> billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe,
>>> if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast
>>> on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed
>>> before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.
>>>
>>> And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000
>>> to you, and everyone to whom you send “his” email?
>>>
>>> How stupid are we?
>>>
>>> Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll
>>> get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!
>>>
>>> What a bunch of bullshit.
>>>
>>> Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
>>> sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was
>>> started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim
>>> stowaways on the Endeavour.
>>>
>>> Fuck ‘em!!
>>>
>>> If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something
>>> mildly amusing.
>>>
>>> I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this
>>> poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel
>>> from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking
>>> care.
>>>
>>> Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually
>>> contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s our own
>>> unpopularity.
>>>
>>> The point being?
>>>
>>> If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless
>>> or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
>>>
>>> If it’s funny, send it on.
>>>
>>> Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in
>>> Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant
>>> for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he’ll
>>> receive if you forward this email.
>>>
>>> Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning
>>> your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
>>>
>>> Have a nice day.
>>>
>>> Billy Connolly
>>>
>>> PS Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off.

For those of you who don’t know…………..Chelsea captain John Terry missed a crucial penalty in the champions league final last night. By slipping as he took his shot, JT effectively handed Manchester United victory. This is the first of what I think will be many emails today about poor John Terry!

Little Harry returns from school and says he got an ‘F’ in arithmetic.
‘Why? asks the father.

‘The teacher asked ‘How much is 2 x 3′, so I said 6′, replies Harry.

‘But that’s right’ says his father.

‘Yeah, but then she asked me, ‘How much is 3 x 2′

‘Whats the fuckin’ difference?’ asks the father

‘Thats what I said’ replied Harry

 LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH

Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’

Harry says ‘Mas-tur-bate.’

Miss Rogers smiles and says, ‘Wow, Harry, that’s a real mouthful.’

Little Harry says, ‘No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blow-job.’

LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR 

Little Harry was sitting in the class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, ‘Miss Jones, I need to go take a piss!’ 

The teacher replied, ‘Now Harry, that is NOT the proper way to ask!’ The correct words you want to are, ‘I need to Urinate’. Please use the word ‘ur-i-nate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.’  

Little Harry thinks for a bit, and then says, ‘your an eight miss’, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!’

LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ‘beautiful’ in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, ‘My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.’

‘Very good, Suzie,’ replied the teacher.  

She then called on little Michael.
‘My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.’

She said, ‘Excellent, Michael, excellent.’

Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.

‘Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ‘Beautiful, just fuckin’ beautiful’.
 

LITTLE HARRY ON GETTING OLDER

Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,

‘Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.’

Little Harry replied, ‘My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.’

The man asked, ‘Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time’?

Little Harry answered, ‘No, he just minded his own fuckin’ business.

This one is for all you recruitment consultants out there!

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.

 The priest asks, ‘Is that you, Johnny Byrne?’  

 ’Yes, Father, it is.’  

 ’And who was the girl you were with?’ 

 ’I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.’ 

 ’Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may  as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?’ 

 ’I cannot say.’ 

 ’Was it Teresa Brown?’ 

 ’I'll never tell.’ 

 ’Was it Margaret Doyle?’ 

 ’I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.’  

 ’Was it Anne O’ Neil?’ 

 ’My lips are sealed.’ 

 ’Was it Catherine 0′ Tool, then?’ 

 ’Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’  

 The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped Johnny and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.  Now you go and behave yourself.’

 Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’ 

” Four months holiday and five good leads!!!”

              (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
      
        (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
      
        (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in ” fine ” .
      
        (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
      
        (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
      
        (6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
      
        (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” … that will bring on a “whatever”).
      
        (8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying “F*** YOU” !
      
        (9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

I don’t know about you, but I would be afraid to enter any of these businesses. I mean come on….what were they thinking????

Which one is your favourite?